


Home Is

by Mackalmorr



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War (Marvel), Happy Ending, M/M, Marvel Universe, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Post-Serum Steve Rogers, make your heart hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 12:59:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7464177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mackalmorr/pseuds/Mackalmorr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Home is where the heart is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where Your Heart is Set in Stone

**Author's Note:**

> Super short little blurb of a fic inspired by Gabrielle Aplin's song Home!!

"When's the last time you slept through the night Steve?"  
"Doesn't matter."  
Sam sighs. He already knows the answer to the question. He himself has woken up in the dark to Steve's muffled sobs, knows that he takes extra long watch shifts to avoid the, what seems to be inevitable, nightmares.  
Sam finds the reason they even have the watches to be a bit ridiculous and unnecessary. But Steve had insisted that one of them stay awake in case Bucky decided to drop by. You could say that Steve is more than a little desperate to find him.  
"We will find him... but you still need to take care of yourself you know."  
"I'm fine."  
Sam laughs at this. If exhausted to the point of dark circles the color of a ripe bruise, and going from mental static to non-stop intense emotional stress is considered fine, then yeah, Steve is fine. He wants to punch Steve in his stupid stubborn face, knock him out for a few hours so he has no choice but to rest. He would if he knew he wouldn't break his hand in the process.  
"You might be a superhero, but you're still human. Just do me a favor and rest. I'll take the long shift tonight."  
Steve's eyes finally shift over to where Sam is stood leaned against the wall. Even in the dim light Sam can see the exhaustion etched into every line in Steve's face, can't help but wonder how the hell he's managing to keep his eyes open and alert through the fog of fatigue.  
Steve's jaw is set, as per usual these days. Why Steve thinks he has to keep up the tough guy act around him, he has no idea. Steve has seen Sam pretty damn near close to his worse. Sam feels like screaming at him. Wants to remind him that I have been where you are!! I know what it's like to fear sleep!! I know how easy it is to just forget about yourself and focus on a mission to avoid that fucking ache in your chest!! I lost someone like you!! I can help!!  
But he doesn't.  
"If I let you take the long shift will you stop staring at me like I'm a wounded bird? You look like my mom did back when I was a sick kid."  
"No promises."  
Steve sighs and moves to stand from his seat on the concrete.  
"No promises I'll actually sleep."  
"As long as you try, man."  
Sam slaps a hand on Steve's shoulder as he walks by. They exchange a knowing look and then Steve is gone down the hallway, hopefully to a room with a fucking bed.

-

Steve wakes in a cold sweat, his throat raw like he'd been screaming, but doesn't remember falling asleep. All he remembers is the cold wind biting at every inch of his skin and the heart wrenching scream of a friend lost.  
The worst part is that it wasn't a nightmare, just a memory, a memory he had buried so deep for so long, that had been so painfully torn back to the surface.  
The nightmares aren't much better, though.  
He sits up, his hands rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The space around him is pitch black, so he assumes he's gone yet another night without sleeping peacefully. Every muscle in his body is strained, and it feels as if gravity is working twice as hard on him. He knows he needs the sleep desperately, hell, he's a super soldier and he's exhausted.  
He thinks about lying back down and trying to sleep again, knows he should, but there's a voice in the back of his mind begging and pleading for him to stay awake. The voice is Bucky's and it tears Steve apart. He can see his friend in his mind crying please stay awake please don't make me relive the moment Steve.  
So he pushes himself up on his feet, and walks quietly back to where he left Sam to keep watch.  
Sam isn't very welcoming when Steve enters.  
"Its only been three hours, go back to sleep."  
Steve would if he knew he wouldn't be fucking tormented. He continues to stand in the doorway. He stays quiet and after a few minutes he hears Sam sigh and feels his stare leave his face.  
"That bad, huh?"  
Steve takes a deep breath and shuffles over to sit by the window.  
"I'll sleep fine after I find him."  
"No you won't."  
Steve's shoulders stiffen at Sam's words.  
"I'll be fine."  
"Not as long as you keep blaming yourself for all of this."  
Sam is speaking in that tone that brings back too many distant memories of his mother scolding him for pushing himself too hard and Bucky lecturing him about geting into fights he knows he can't win while cleaning him up. Steve wishes he could just duct tape his mouth shut. He knows he's only trying to help, really its kind of his job to, but god, he doesn't have the energy to put up with it right now.  
"Steve."  
Sam moves closer.  
Steve tries to steady his breathing.  
"It's not your fault. You have to know that."  
The ache in his chest is turning to stone again and the weight on his shoulders is multiplying with every shaky breath. He's not sure when he started crying, but wishes with everything in him that he would just stop.  
He feels Sam place his hand on his shoulder, but it brings him no comfort.  
"He's all ever had Sam. Even when I had nothing I had Bucky... And I just let him go."  
"You thought he was dead Steve, you had no way of knowing what happened."  
"I should've gone back for him!"  
Suddenly Steve is on his feet and his voice is full of anger and shame. Sam takes a step back, knows that he needs his space. He's dealt with plenty of regretful soldiers dealing with trauma, but this situation is just a bit more complicated. At least with the others its just a matter of letting go of the ones you lost, but Steve's lost friend actually came back, kind of.  
"But you didn't Steve! And you just have to accept that! What happened happened and you can't go back and change that."  
"You think I don't know that?!"  
"I don't think you know how to forgive yourself!"  
Steve's breathing is ragged and he doesn't realize he's been pacing until he stops dead in his tracks to glare at Sam.  
"You think I haven't tried?"  
Steve hates the way his voice breaks on the last word like its choking the life out of him. Sam hates it even more.  
"God Sam, it took me years to accept the fact that he was gone, let alone that I couldn't change it. The only thing that kept me sane was the idea that he was finally at peace! Even after I got him away from Hydra he was different. He tried to hide it, but I knew him too damn well. I could see the change in the way he carried himself, the way his eyes didn't quite light up all the way!"  
Sam stays quiet, and sits back down.  
"And then just when I had finally started to forgive myself, he shows up! And all my nightmares suddenly became reality. Bucky came back and he wanted nothing more than to kill me! To get revenge! I was so tempted to just... just let it happen."  
Sam can feel tears on his cheeks. He knew Steve was in pain, but this was another level of agony. Sam's eyes fall to the floor, he can't stand to see Steve so broken.  
"But then he looked at me and... I couldn't.. It just... It hit me what he must have really gone through. I swore to him that I'd never let Hydra take him again.. And there he was. Brainwashed to be their fucking attack dog!!"  
Steve's yells echo through the empty apartment building. Sam can see the tension escape Steve's shoulders as he slumps forward, his hands going to his eyes.  
"I could have handled him coming back, even if he hated me, but knowing that his worst nightmare came true after I promised I'd never let it happen... His eyes were so empty, they finally took all the light out of them. That's what kills me."  
The room is silent and Sam's heart is breaking a bit more with each sniffle that escapes Steve. He finds his feet and goes to stand next to him. Steve isn't facing him, and Sam knows not to force anything.  
"We'll find him. It'll be okay."  
Steve turns, his face red and puffy and falls into (onto) Sam.  
Sam hugs him. Steve cries. After a few minutes, Steve straightens up.  
"We will find him, and I will make things right." 

\- 

After Steve's episode Sam doesn't push him to sleep anymore, doesn't really push him to do anything. Steve pushes himself around enough for the both of them. 


	2. Where You Go When You're Alone

An ear splitting silence rings through his ears as his eyes landed on the black and white photo of a man who could be his own reflection. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes and goosebumps spreading over his arms as he read through what was apparently his bio. He could hear these voices echoing in his mind and moments flashing vividly on and off and he felt like screaming because no. Its wrong. These memories could not possibly be his.  
There's a pressure building in his chest and god he feels like he can't fucking breathe.  
YOU DO NOT FEEL. YOU FOLLOW COMMANDS. YOU WILL FOLLOW PROTOCOL. YOU WILL STOP.  
There's a sharp pain his temple and chills running down his spine. He opens his eyes and sees nothing but the frozen concrete he'd been trapped in.  
But there's a space in his chest right beneath where the pressure is building that is bursting with so many different emotions and no matter how hard he tries he can't ignore it. He can't go back to protocol, won't go back, without being wiped. He would rather fucking die than experience that again. He would rather die a million fiery deaths than lose this small space in his chest and these sparks of memory.  
He feels as if they're not his to cherish, but then he's hit with a flash of a shy smile and the voice of a boy saying "I love you" and he doesn't give a single shit what his mind is screaming because his heart is finally remembering what home is.  
When he opens his eyes he is back in the museum, the concrete replaced by soft carpet, chilling silence filled with quiet conversations and the occasional laugh of a child.  
Home is space on a too small bed shared with an angular body to keep warm, home is a laugh and the word "jerk" rolling off a man's tongue, home is golden hair and blue eyes.  
Home is Steven Grant Rogers. 

-

He's not sure when he left the museum, can't even remember taking a step away from his own picture. Losing time like that is normal for him though. He's hoping that can change.  
Before all of this it never bothered him, not that he had really been allowed to be bothered by anything. Lost time was welcomed. It meant not having to mentally sit through the snow alone and hungry waiting for his target. It meant not remembering every single fucked up thing a handler said to him. It meant escaping the prison his body had been transformed into.  
But now lost time feels like even more time taken, stolen, from him by Hydra, and he'll be damned if he lets them take anything more now that he is finally finally free.  
His mind is racing as he slips back into the present and there's really only one thing his thoughts have in common.  
They all circle back to Steve. Steve. Find Steve. Go home.  
He's sure he's off the map. Not only does he have decades of experience in not existing, but he's sure Hydra wouldn't hesitate to grab him and stick him in cryo if they knew where he was. He's pretty sure Steve wouldn't hesitate to grab him either.  
Guess Bucky's gonna have to go to him.  
He stops on the busy pavement and can't help but smile as memories of walking to a too small apartment through humid Brooklyn arid whistling as he goes reel through his still somewhat foggy head. He's hit with the sounds of honey I'm home and welcome home, jerk. He can all but feel a stupidly rickety mattress beneath him and the welcoming warmth of a body next to him.  
The realization hits him then that Steve has always been home.  
So he steps forward whistling a foreign yet familiar tune, and starts his journey home.  
Hopefully it will be his last. 


	3. Where You Go to Rest Your Bones

And then he's there, right in arms reach.  
Steve can barely breathe. He's too damn scared that he'l blink and Bucky will be gone again, but minutes pass and Bucky remains. He's looking at Steve, actually looking at him, and he shows no sign of running.  
Steve could cry.  
Steve is crying. So is Bucky.  
"Bucky?"  
Bucky hesitates, then by some grace of god smiles.  
And Steve is so relieved and so overjoyed and he wants nothing more than to just reach out and hug his best friend and never let go. But his body just won't cooperate and instead he's crumbling to his knees, the months of exhaustion and stress finally weighing down on his shoulders so god damn heavily that it can't be ignored.  
But Bucky is there, and he is smiling at Steve and moving towards him.  
Steve is laughing and crying and his heart is over the fucking moon and then he finally feels the hand on his shoulder. When he looks up he finds those blue eyes from his childhood staring back at him, and they look so so different but they haven't changed a bit.  
Then Bucky's there, arms around Steve enveloping him just like he would when they were kids and it was just a bit too cold out and Steve would have an asthma attack.  
He knows his lungs are fine, but he breathes easier all the same.  
"It's okay Stevie. I'm not going anywhere."  
And they both slump into each other just that bit more, like falling into your bed after a few nights away.  
No words are exchanged, and Steve knows if he could gather the energy he would be spilling I'm so so sorry's and god I missed you jerk and I love you's.  
Bucky knows he should be warning Steve whispering I'm not quite the same and I'm fucking wreck, but his mind is overflowing with warmth and shiny afternoons filled with laughter and trouble and after everything he thinks they both deserve a little damn rest, so he just keeps quiet and hugs Steve tighter. 


	4. Epilogue

It's a long and hard journey to recovery for the both of them.  
Steve finally started forgiving himself, maybe because Bucky was finally there to tell him he forgave him a long time ago. Bucky's trying and succeeding bit by bit to forgive himself for the things he's done.  
They both have nightmares from time to time, but at least now they wake to the others arms wrapped around them.  
Bucky is not the man he used to be, but Steve admits he isn't either so that helps Bucky accept himself. It also helps that Steve is there to fill every crack in Bucky's heart and soul with love and light and warmth.  
They help each other through the tough times when everything seems to be falling apart in their minds and the world goes dark, and they laugh with each other when times are good and keep those memories tucked away for when one needs a little light at the end of thier tunnels.  
Things aren't perfect.  
They wouldn't want it any other way.


End file.
